I swear I am not a film snob. I swear it. I don’t only watch hip, independent films. I won’t pretend a movie is better if it comes with subtitles. I don’t subscribe to the notion that a film’s quality is inversely proportional to its budget. And I promise I won’t feign adoration towards a flick just because everyone else raves about it. While I do enjoy some of these films, I am equally prone to loving a blockbuster. Heck, sometimes I seek out “bad” movies because they are entertaining (either on purpose or inadvertently). This is why I put Jonah Hex on my queue. It looked like a good bad movie—complete with explosions, gun fights, and a Western/super hero theme. I mean, it sounds watchable, right? Wrong.
Jonah Hex has something to do with a Civil War soldier (played by Josh Brolin) who seeks vengeance over the death of his family at the hands of the evil Turnbull (John Malkovich). Something happens and now Hex has the power to speak with the dead. I can’t say I actually understand why (or does everyone who is rescued from a near death experience by Native Americans have this power? I think I need to watch some more X-Files to see if Mulder develops this power), nor do I really care. Stuff happens, dynamite blows things to smithereens, and guns go bang. In retrospect, it would have been an interesting twist if the pistols shot out the flags that actually say “bang,” but as they say, hindsight is 20-20. About 45 minutes into the movie, I realized I didn’t really have a clue what the plot was (and I would argue that the movie didn’t know either) and I wasn’t all that interested in finding out. I waved the white flag and surrendered. Sadly, I was beaten by another movie.
I will admit, I knew going into Jonah Hex that it wouldn’t be a brilliant film; but I thought I could trust Josh Brolin. I mean, the dude was in The Goonies—and certainly everyone associated with one of my favorite movies would have decent taste in the projects they work on. Hmm. OK, well, let me exclude Corey Feldman’s work in The Surreal Life from this…..and Joe Pantiliano in Cats and Dogs, Cats and Dogs 2: The Revenge of Kitty Galore and Daredevil….and that Steve Antin went on to both write and direct Burlesque. Damn! I should have known better than to use The Goonies litmus test! I guess I should have seen this coming.
I don’t know if there was anything about this film I liked. For some reason, there was a British guy in it who, when upset, called Hex: “Jonah Bloody Hex.” I am assuming that this is both historically and culturally accurate. Do all British cowboys insert the word “bloody” between first and last names to emphasize their dislike of a person? Or, is “Bloody” Jonah Hex’s middle name—the name given to him at birth because his mother had a feeling he would be a handful? Perhaps this question would have been answered had I seen the entire film, but I doubt the answer would have been worth sitting through the last half of the movie.
So, let me offer my apologies for not finishing Jonah Fricking Hex. I tried, but I decided to cut my losses and only waste 45 minutes on it. Maybe I am not the demographic the film was trying to reach; and there is a [remote] chance that someone else would enjoy it. However, I am still a little irritated that I watched it for that long. The movie just made me angry. Bleh. I have to try to cheer myself up. Perhaps I will make some Betty Fricking Crocker brownies and listen to Olivia Fricking Newton Fricking John (do you use two “frickings” when a person has two last names? There has to be standardized rules for this somewhere) sing songs from the Grease soundtrack. I have to find my mental happy place.
Thanks for reading and have a wonderful fricking weekend!
Netflix Queue: 470