Day 108: Sharktopus


Oh, Sharktopus. Sweet Sharktopus. What can I say about you that hasn’t already been said? I mean, your tagline seems pretty self-explanatory: Half shark. Half octopus. All killer. How do you top that? For once, I am at a loss for words (my husband will be thrilled).

 

While I am pretty stumped about how to approach my review of SyFy’s (please, please, please change your name back to SciFi so I don’t gag every flipping time I type that name), I feel I actually learned quite a bit from this monster movie.

  1. Sharktopus taught me the importance of good (heck, even mediocre) acting. I guess I always took for granted that all actors could, well, act. Not so, not so. I rolled my eyes more than once at several of the performances. One actor started out with an English accent, which slowly faded as the movie progressed (like my interest in the film). [*shakes head] Even I can maintain a Midwestern accent for an hour and twenty minutes.

  2. When threatened (or aroused, I guess), a Sharktopus may shoot ink. Fine. I will buy that. But, curious, I googled “octopus” and “ink.” Yes, I did this because I thought I was smart and that only squids did the ink thing. My bad. Come to find that this ink is thought to hinder the sniffers of predators; thus making it difficult for scent-based hunters (like the shark) to track the octopus (according to the beloved wikipedia). Being that the head of the Sharktopus is the shark, does the ink squirt confuse the monster? Is it like, “Hey, where did I go? I don’t smell me anymore” or is it trying to hide from itself? I don’t get it and I should have just left well enough alone. 

  3. When you cross two animals together to get one monstrous mutated animal, it will always escape and wreak havoc on innocent civilians—no matter how well-intentioned the military plan to create the ultimate living weapon was.

  4. You don’t really need to bother with any establishing shots or character development. Just jump right in. They are all most likely going to die (hey, just like Spartacus!), anyway, so why waste the time?

  5. Everything has an off switch. And by “off,” I mean “blow up into a huge fireball” off. You just need to know where to look—or what button to push.

  6. Most importantly, Sharktopus taught me how to love. And to be a better person. And that my fear of the ocean is perfectly reasonable.

Although I feel I learned a bit from Sharktopus, I am still left with a few questions.

  1. How did they make the Sharktopus? Did they breed a shark and an octopus? Or is this one best left unanswered?

  2. Why “Sharktopus”? Why not “Octoshark”? Too close to octo-mom?

  3. Wouldn’t it have been cool if it was the head of the octopus and the butt of the shark? Far less threatening, sure, but that’s the risk you take when you want to create a mutant monster. Just ask Dr. Moreau.

  4. Did the Sharktopus hate all women or just those wearing bikinis? Sexist bastard.

  5. What did Sharktopus want? What were his dreams? His motives? There was clearly not enough character development there. Did Sharktopus just want to reunite with his long lost love, Jellyclam? Maybe Sharktopus didn’t agree with the politics of the U.S. Navy or was trying to get a petition signed to stop off-shore drilling. I guess I will never know (hmm—do I see an opening for a fan-fic piece here or what?).

  6. Why exactly did I sit through the whole thing? Why?

So, Sharktopus was a bad movie, but I totally knew that going in. Yeah, there were some cheesy-funny parts and quite a few “wtf” moments, but there were also some parts that were too bad to be good-bad. I know, I should have totally added my own commentary to it, but I just couldn’t even get into it enough to do that. And I love to do that. I am usually all about the over-the-top monster movies but had a hard time focusing on this one. Sorry. I blame the lack of dinosaurs.

 

Thanks for reading and have an awesome day!

 

Score: D

Netflix Queue: 481


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